One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, kerflop, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.
"So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose, you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, so the bunny agreed to examine him.
When the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any gonads ... you must be a Democrat."
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Thought for the day
Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
Monday, December 24, 2007
The Tractor
Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from school he would really like to get a car. His father says, 'Son, come with me!' He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 'This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.' The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, 'Ok, Dad.'
A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse '....as soon as the tractor is paid for....'
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens, mumbling to himself.
His dad was standing nearby and saw what happened. He says, 'Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that.'
The little boy says 'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that stupid tractor is paid off!!!'
A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike. Well, he gets the same excuse '....as soon as the tractor is paid for....'
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens, mumbling to himself.
His dad was standing nearby and saw what happened. He says, 'Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that.'
The little boy says 'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that stupid tractor is paid off!!!'
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The FBI, CIA, Chicago PD, and some Rabbits
The FBI, CIA, Chicago PD, and some Rabbits
The Chicago PD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The Chicago PD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
The Chicago PD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The Chicago PD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Some kids' perspective on marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10*
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10*
*WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?*
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10*
*HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?*
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8*
*WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?*
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8*
*WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?*
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8*
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10*
*WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?*
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9*
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? *
When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7*
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7*
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8*
*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?*
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9*
*HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?*
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ ******HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?*
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10*
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10*
*WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?*
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10*
*HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?*
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8*
*WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?*
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8*
*WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?*
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8*
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10*
*WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?*
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9*
*WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? *
When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7*
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7*
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8*
*IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?*
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9*
*HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?*
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........ ******HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?*
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Two Parrots
A lady went to her priest one day and told him,"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest replied! "But I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest replied! "But I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Attorney's Fee
An attorney told his client, "You will need to pay $3500 now and $900 a month for thirty-six months."
The client replied, "That sounds like buying a car."
The attorney nodded, "I am."
The client replied, "That sounds like buying a car."
The attorney nodded, "I am."
A matter of perspective
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and ended up in the women's dressing area. The women screamed, grabbed for towels and ran to hide themselves. The surprised little boy asked, "What's wrong, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
The checkup
Linda accompanied Don to his annual medical checkup. After a thorough examination, the doctor got Linda aside and said, "I'm sorry to have to say this, but I don't like how Don looks."
Linda replied, "Doctor, neither do I, but he's good to the children."
Linda replied, "Doctor, neither do I, but he's good to the children."
Retirement gift from Scrooge
A boss told his retiring employee, "We can't afford a gold watch. But here's a phone number that gives the correct time."
What a relief
A man and his wife had been arguing for miles on a cross-country trip. He pulls off the expressway and into town to get some gas and a policeman follows right behind him.
"Sir, didn't you notice your backseat passenger fall out of the car in that sharp turn about a mile ago?"
"Thank Goodness! I thought I was going deaf"
"Sir, didn't you notice your backseat passenger fall out of the car in that sharp turn about a mile ago?"
"Thank Goodness! I thought I was going deaf"
Monday, December 17, 2007
New Cowboy Boots
An elderly Florida couple, Sam and Bessie, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
Two Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after awhile they got to know each other so well that they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other was the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Plane Troubles
A pilot frantically called, "Pilot to tower...I'm 200 miles from land...500 feet high and have run out of fuel...please instruct...over!"
The tower responded, "Tower to pilot...repeat after me...'Our Father, who is in heaven...' "
The tower responded, "Tower to pilot...repeat after me...'Our Father, who is in heaven...' "
One-liners
Some wife one-liners
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
George's physical
George's Physical
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything
looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship
with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then
(poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma,"
he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and
then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests
came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything
looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship
with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to
go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then
(poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma,"
he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and
then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Farmer
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' "
asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move, however, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
Now what would you say?"
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.' "
asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move, however, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at
her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
Now what would you say?"
Get well soon
Get Well Soon:
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that
all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally
got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written
in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that
all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally
got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written
in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Packaging
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then,who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,one for March....... "
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then,who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then, who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February,one for March....... "
Nominated as the best short joke of the year
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
His diary / Her diary
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset or if it was something the preacher had said during his sermon.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home
I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant...
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came
to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He
fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
The Cowboys lost today, but at least I had sex.
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset or if it was something the preacher had said during his sermon.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home
I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant...
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came
to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but
I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He
fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
The Cowboys lost today, but at least I had sex.
Lost in Lowes
LOST IN LOWE'S
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
The atheist and the bear
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
'What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
"What majestic trees"!
'What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
3 for the price of 1!!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Not Eating Properly
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a stalk of celery in each nostril and a carrot hanging out of each of his ears. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can see your problem, you're not eating properly."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)