The Secret of Long-lasting Love

During a 50-yr. wedding anniversary party a young nephew asked his great-uncle what was the secret to his long, peaceful marriage. The old man answered, "It all goes back to a trip to the Grand Canyon on our honeymoon. We were on a trail of the canyon and my beautiful young bride was on a stubborn, clumsy mule. Around a bend the mule slipped and the bride stooped down and whispered into the mule's ear, "That's once". A little further down the mule slipped again, "That's twice". Near the end of the trail the mule slipped a third time and the bride took out a revolver and shot the mule dead. That's when I said, "What in the world are you doing?!". She calmly replied, "That's once..". We've been married peacefully for 50 years since then."

Freddy and Martha

Pardon me if I butcher this joke, and I forgot where I heard it...
Freddy and Martha Freeloader walked into a furniture store to get a good deal on a love seat. The over-anxious salesman rushes up to them, "I've got a deal JUST for you! Pay only $59 down and make no payments for 6 months!"
Martha's face turned sour and she put both hands on her hips and said, "Now who's been talking about us behind our back!"